As you know my son, Tyler, has been accepted at La Roche College and will play baseball for them. He's happy and excited and I'm seeing a new-found confidence in my son that makes my heart proud. I should be on top of the world. Instead, I am filled with dread and deep feelings of empty nest depression. Just thinking about graduation and leaving my only child at college brings intense grief. It spurs a type of extreme sadness that I have a hard time explaining even to myself. Remember the cartoons where the guy would dive from the incredibly high platform into the ridiculously tiny bucket? You would see the view from the cliff down into the bucket before he jumped, and there would be clouds halfway between because it was so high up. That is how I picture the empty nest; way, way, down at the bottom of a very high cliff. One day, approximately 226 days from today, my son is going to leave for college and I am going to have to jump off that cliff. Melodramatic? Me? Okay maybe, but I am really that apprehensive.
The distress over my empty nest really started last year when Tyler received his driver's license. While most parents were saying things like, "Amen! I'm tired of running my kid around" or "He/she can help out now".....I kept thinking, 'There goes more time away from him'. I have always loved my car-time with Tyler. It was when I could get him to talk the most. Granted, he talked between bites of McDonald's fries and his Quarter Pounder with cheese (only ketchup) but nonetheless, it was just us. This started the whole list of "this is the last time..." items.
The very thought of graduation or college leaves me teary-eyed at the oddest times. The torment of my soon to be empty nest has me hiding a depression that should be reserved for a tragic event. The things done to prepare for a graduation and college bound child are all painful reminders of my ticking clock of grief. Ordering of senior pictures, talking about a grad party and college orientation brings me one step closer in this empty nest countdown. Many of these events bring on deeper feelings of my woefulness and sometimes drive me into my bedroom to cry.
I feel graduation and the move to college signified that my job as a mom is over. The thought of my upcoming empty nest leaves me feeling a sense of worthlessness and loss. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely proud and happy for my kiddo. However, no matter how much pride and happiness I feel over his accomplishments, there is a cloud of gloom just hanging to block out the sun.
Just recently I ran into one of Tyler's junior high teachers. She asked me, "Isn't it wonderful to watch them spread their wings and fly"? She was, of course, referring to Tyler's upcoming graduation and move to college. Since smacking her was not an option, I just smiled and nodded my head. The emotion I felt over my empty nest was more heart breaking than wonderful but how could I admit this type of sadness to this lady?
Tyler's baseball coach thinks he has the perfect solution for me. He thinks I need to adopt a few boys (not just one? come on, coach!!) from the Dominican Republic. Preferably athletic, baseball players that can pitch. The scene from the movie Benchwarmers comes into my mind every time he has a conversation with me about it.....
Who knows what the future holds for me and my empty nest. My life as a baseball mom will continue for at least four more years only instead of blue and gold bling, I'll be wearing red and black bling. Right now, I will continue to love and guide Tyler as I've always done and try to give him the knowledge to make the right decisions along the way. That's what moms do best, right?
Oh, anyone know where I can buy a little yippee dog that I can dress up and carry around in my purse........
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