It’s that time…already…..finals week
at La Roche College is over! That means Tyler
is nearly done with his freshman year of college. I
am truly in awe of how quickly the year has gone and how much I have learned
over this past year. If you ask Tyler
how his year went, he will reply, “Fine.”
If you ask me how it went, I’ll tell you, “Horrible!” Somewhere in
between”Fine” and “Horrible” lies the truth!
Freshman year is
a big step for a lot of young people; it can be the first step towards
independence. Freshman year means moving away from home, living on your own and
truly experiencing a world where you are the only one responsible for both your
choices and mistakes.
It’s a year of
laughter, fun, drinks and screw-ups. It’s a year that is impossible to emerge
from without learning a thing or two.
It’s a life transition that pushed my son to adjust, change and
grow.
As most of you know, saying
goodbye to my son was extremely difficult and I felt that I had lost a part of
myself when he left. It didn't matter that he was only 50 minutes away,
he wasn't with me. But thankfully, over
time, I have adjusted to my new normal and have realized that his departure
served as a bit of a wake-up call for me.
To sum up my mothering of Tyler, I would
say that I had an extreme case of the “only-child syndrome.” I wanted to do
everything right and to be an all-star, all-knowing mother. I never wanted to see him fail, which meant I
did everything for him
Everything else paled in comparison to the joy
I felt in being his mother. Almost 19 years later, I realize that some of my
initial new mommy thoughts were on par, but I have also discovered throughout
my motherhood journey that I need to let Tyler discover who he is, to fight his
own battles, to learn to accept responsibility for his actions, and to find his
“voice”. During this past year, I have
had several “hit me over the head” moments (which usually came in the form of
mini-breakdowns) that served as reminders that I need to stop trying to control
my child and let him make decisions.
Here are just a few of the things I
learned over the course of Tyler’s freshman year….
It is okay to have guideline for
staying in touch. All too often this year, my texts and phone calls went
unanswered. This drove me nuts! In some instances I only needed a one word
text or something to let me know he was still alive! He felt I was annoying and a bit neurotic! He didn't want to be bothered when he was
with his friends. But staying in touch
is not by definition neurotic, right? It didn't mean that I could not let
go. It was my way of letting him know
that I was standing by to provide support and balance (at least that is how I
justified it). And, as one colleague put it, "by listening to his voice on
a daily basis, you can tell how he’s doing - just as you could tell when you
looked at his eyes when he was younger."
I
love to give advice. Unfortunately, my
son feels that I’m telling him what to do.
So I had to learn to give advice sparingly. I tried to ask Tyler what he
thought (difficult for me!) rather than simply telling him what to
do. I tried to make him understand my
advice for what it was—my idea or my experience or my thoughts about what I
might have done in his place. Who am I
kidding, this was extremely difficult and as hard as I tried not to, I probably
told him what to do more than I should have!
I’ll work on that for next year J
First the first time ever, I let Tyler handle concerns dealing with his academic life. He handled situations with professors, registrar, and/or resident
life. I offered guidance on how to
handle specific situations and even helped compose emails for him, but at the
end of the day, it was Tyler who handled the situations. I felt this was a big part of Tyler’s
growth. I am also proud of him for
stepping up and handling difficult situations. And an even bigger victory was that I kept my big mouth shut when he didn't handle it like I would have!
I
found one of the most important things I tried to do was to keep in the loop
with Tyler’s everyday life. I
continually asked about classes, baseball, the coach, friends, professors, and
activities. I asked what he had for breakfast, lunch and dinner and who he ate
with. I asked about study times and bed
times. I wasn't asking to be nosy (okay,
maybe a little!) but I was looking for any type of sign that things weren't
right.
The
biggest thing that I learned was to be brutally honest with myself. Simply put,
I was lonely and I wanted my kiddo home with me. I needed to let go and needed to stop trying
to control him. With that being said, I found it emotionally healthy,
for both of us, to find ways to stay connected. Baseball was our connection....as it always has been. I learned all the players names and numbers quickly as well as their positions and for most, where they were from. I attended as many games as I could and took 1000s of pictures he could share with the "boys".
Because
of La Roche’s extended baseball season, I am not sure which day this week Tyler
will move home officially. As I anticipate his homecoming, I am well aware that our
“new” relationship will be tested as he is expected to live under my house
rules again. This experience may add an entirely new twist to our “independence-and-growth-for-both-of-us” relationship….More on that to come…Wish me luck…
