It's Official....I'm an Empty Nester.....

It’s been a week….

A week ago I left Tyler at La Roche. That final hug was a lot more difficult than I had expected.  My only child is now living among people I do not know, in an unfamiliar environment.  The freshman class has students from 15 countries, not including the United States.  I feel the anxiety daily and feel helpless as a parent.

I’m not going to lie…so far this empty nest stuff sucks!  My house is too quiet.  My house is too clean.  The laundry basket is too empty.  My grocery list is too short.  I laugh and smile too little and spend way too much time talking to my kitten. 

People say, enjoy it…..relax….do things you've always wanted to do…. Blah, blah, blah. I was doing what I wanted to do.  I enjoyed being busy.  I didn't want to relax.  I enjoyed the craziness of our evenings.  It kept me engaged and more importantly, it kept my brain occupied.  I miss it and it’s only been a week.  

Today at work as I was going through the Acceptable Use Policy forms that the middle school students turn in, I was reminded that I no longer have to do that for Tyler. 

And that actually made me smile!

I do not miss filling out the same forms every fall for school with the same information every….single….year…..by hand.  Duplicate sometimes. We live in a world of technology where toddlers can take selfies on an iphone and a cat can play a game on an ipad!   But we still need to fill out school forms by hand.  Every…Single…Year…..

Are there other things I won’t miss now that Tyler is in college?

Living with a moody teenager: I would cringe having friends or family around when Tyler was in one of his moods.  One minute he was a brat, the next minute he was amazingly nice; then he didn't talk; the next you couldn't shut him up. I never knew what to expect from one day or one minute to the next.

Shoes, shoes and more shoes:  I have one child with two feet.  This means he can wear only two shoes at one time.  My entry way constantly looked as though I had three or more children. 

The "know it all" attitude: I went from an authority, a valuable source of information to knowing nothing and I was totally incompetent as it relates to most subjects. On the other hand, he knew it all and had all the answers.

HOMEWORK.  'Nuff said......

Open Drawers:  I’m not sure why this was a difficult one for my son.  After all, he closed it MOST of the way.  Why not give it a smidge more and close it all the way? 

Water Bottles:  Empty…full…half-full….half-empty.  I’d find them everywhere. They were from him....they were from his friends....maybe ghosts were partying at night while we slept....who knows!

College Process:  College applications, essays, application fees. The common app, submit buttons, extra-curriculars, teacher recommendations, PSATS, SATS, ACTS, financial aid, deadlines, safety schools, reach schools, match schools.

NO TP:  Tyler was the master of having just enough TP for him and always left the empty roll for me to take care of.

Can I get that in a gallon size?:  The boy loved his ketchup!  I can now downsize the size ketchup bottle I buy and how often I need to buy it.

Got food?:  Every day I received a text saying, “what we eating”.  That’s how it was worded….what we eating.  And if I didn't get back to him right away I received a second text with a “?”. 

Tyler will be home tomorrow, along with his dirty laundry.  I will have a few days of scattered shoes, half-open drawers, water bottles lying around and lots of laughter and smiles!  For those few days my grown up son will be my little boy again. 

On Monday I will feel that mixture of Momma pride-anxiety-sadness-happiness all over again….and once again letting go after that final hug won’t be easy. I've heard it get easier.....

After he leaves I’ll pick up the empty water bottles and throw them away and I’ll push his dresser drawers closed and I’ll remind myself that this is how it is supposed to be. This is my life for at least the next four years. Then I will sit with Cali and tell her my thoughts about the weekend while waiting for the text saying he’s in his dorm room.

It’s hard to resist the urge to smother. I’m trying to find a balance of the right amount of texts and calls so he knows I’m thinking of him, without seeming like a helicopter parent. I know he will brush his teeth and change his underwear and probably even change the empty roll of TP at some point.

But that is for him to figure out.  I mean, I hope he will be able to change an empty roll of TP by the time he graduates…..right?

I've Got 99 Problems, but Ronda Isn't One of Them.......

I stopped by my friend Ronda’s house the other day unannounced.  Her husband was in the garage so I hollered as I was getting out of the car, “Hey, Bill!”

“Hi Kim. Ronda is out back.”

As I headed through the garage, Bill yelled, “Ronda, Kim is here! Kim!  Kim Booher!....KIM! Maybe you should put your shirt on!”

Yikes! She must be in the pool, I thought. 

As I stepped out of the garage, I heard Ronda yell to her son, “Can you hand me my top?”

                         

He looked at me and rolled his eyes and said, “I’m helping dad.”

Bill said, “You get it, RonDAAA.”

“I can’t reach it, Billllllll.”

“I’ll hand it to you.  I’m coming over there anyhow.” I said. 

This is soooo typical of my friends which I why I love them so much!  Ronda and I have been friends for over twenty years.  Through the years we’ve vacationed together, worked out together, shopped together, and camped together.  We’ve shared secrets, laughs and tears of joy and sadness.  We’ve sat together in church and suppressed giggles when she’d see me putting lipstick on for the third time.  We’ve shared hours together listening to every cassette the Jerky Boys ever made ( “This is Frank Rizzo.  Thatttt’s right, tough guy. ….”)  and I think we’ve watched every episode of “COPS” produced!  We were also there for each other when we lost loved ones.  We provided comfort and support for one another along with endless prayers. 

Our families used to spend every weekend together.  And believe me, it was ALWAYS an adventure!  But sometimes life gets in the way. It happens.  What was once your number one priority gets pushed to the back burner. Friends that you thought you’d never go a day without speaking to drift off into their own lives. The days pass and your new reality takes over as the memories get pushed down into the deepest spaces of your mind and heart…always there, just hidden from view.  But when the stars and the moon align and we get to hang out, we pick up right where we left off. 

That’s exactly what happened after Ronda put her swimsuit top on the other day.  She floated on her raft and I sat on the steps with my feet in the cool water.  A few days after that she texted to say she was coming over to meet my new kitten, Cali.  She showed up with a cooler of Corona and a lime.  For a couple hours, it was just her and I. With Ronda I don’t have to pretend.  I can be myself…my realest and most honest self. 

It doesn’t matter how often we keep in touch, and it doesn’t matter when Ronda and I will have time to hang out again. I know that when we do there won’t be that awkward small talk in the beginning; we will just start talking and teasing as though we never drifted.   

So, Happy Birthday to my friend, Ronda!

Here’s to the crap we would talk

During the miles we would walk.

Here’s to the way we shop

And the laughs we can’t stop.

Here’s to the gossip we spill

With Coronas on ice to chill.

Here’s to going out to dinner

And making sure yours is a winner.  

Here’s to me having a lime

When you come over next time.

Here’s to the random memories that make me smile

Even if I haven’t seen you in awhile.

I love you and wish you nothing but the best.  

PS....We REALLY need a couple newer pictures together pronto!

Conquering the Countdown

Parenthood has two big transitions, when our children arrive and when they leave.  I think I managed the first quite well and in 14 days, 22 hours, 4 minutes and 59 seconds I will discover how well I handle the second.   A once in a lifetime occurrence….Tyler will only start college once.  Such moments are rare. They have power.

I've spent a year thinking and whining and blogging over my feelings and how I was full of emotion.  But what about him? How does Tyler feel?  He’s leaving his secure nest.  His group of friends.  His girlfriend.  He’s an only child that has to share nothing with anyone.  He has someone to do his laundry and pick up his shoes and to make sure that he eats.  How is Tyler going to handle this transition? 

Yesterday we went to La Roche for textbooks.  It was a beautiful day to visit the campus.  Tyler invited his friend Lucas to come along.  Lucas has been Tyler’s sidekick for the last few years and I couldn't ask for a better friend for Tyler.  Lucas will be attending Penn State Main in the fall and is very excited about it. 

On the way to La Roche, I was explaining to Tyler some of the activities that will occur during “Welcome Week”.  Part of the discussion was that a few of the activities were mandatory.  And just like that, Tyler’s attitude changed.  “Mandatory?  They can’t make me do anything.  What are they going to do? Kick me out?”   His social anxiety kicked in big time. 

Tyler has come a long way in regards to his social anxiety.  Actually, you wouldn't know he suffered from it at all if I didn't broadcast it in my blog :) But when he is in situations or anticipating situations in which he has little or no control, it comes out full blown.  His first reaction is anger followed by an “I’m not doing it” and “you can’t make me” attitude.  That is usually when he and I battle.  I’m still learning all the time how to deal with his anxiety.  I've learned it is best to just change the subject and move on.  His brain needs to process the upcoming situation.  After it does, he will ask questions which will generate the discussion I wanted to have in the first place. 

The reality that “this is happening” is starting to hit Tyler.  The first of their group of friends leaves for Texas this Saturday.  Tyler told me that he plans to be there when his buddy leaves. I had no doubt that my son would be there.  The rest of them leave on August 22 like Tyler except Briana.  She moves in earlier that week.  I can’t even imagine how hard that is going to be…..

I know I've projected an image of being a hyper-controlling “Velcro parent” who is going to have a hard time letting go.  And it’s quite possible that I led you all to believe that I might camp out in Tyler’s room to help the “transition” to college. 

But you know what?

I know it’s going to be okay.  I know that these last couple weeks (14 days, 20 hours, 41 minutes, and 33 seconds) I need to be here for my son. 

There were no other meltdowns yesterday during our visit to La Roche.  I walked behind Tyler and Lucas and stayed out of “eavesdropping” range.  It was kinda cool to watch Tyler show Lucas around the campus and Tyler even let me take a couple pictures!  He didn't get overly mad when I introduced myself to a student outside of his dorm and asked her a few questions.  Turns out that she will be his R.A.!  Sweet!  That will help that he already met her.  And I was mature enough to not ask her for her cell phone number, email address, and twitter name…you know, just in case. 

During the ride home, we talked about La Roche baseball.  Tyler had heard that practice will probably start the first week of classes.  I asked Tyler his thoughts on that. 

“I’m surprised that we start so soon, but I’ll be ready.  I’ll start playing catch this week to get my arm prepared.  It will be good for me to, you know, have something to think about and kinda focus on”.

Yes, I do know.  I knew exactly what he was talking about.  The book was open, revealing the next chapter in his life and he was a little apprehensive about turning the page.  There were so many things I wanted to say.  So many things that needed to be said.  So, I handled it like any good mother would…..

“How about them Buccos?”

In the end, my job as a parent is to leave him with both the right size sheets and a sense that he is well equipped for this next, independent stage of life.  The challenges are no greater or lesser than when he arrived eighteen years ago.  

Deep breath! It’s going to be okay.

Bring an Extra Sheet for Toga Parties and other Survival Tips

When Tyler and I were shopping at Bed, Bath and Beyond for some dorm essentials, I couldn't help but feel a little nostalgic….and jealous!  The items they have for these kids nowadays rock!  They had cute stackable shelving whereas I had to uhhh….umm….steal, I mean, borrow forever, actual milk crates from McDonalds to stack for “cute” organizers.  They had nice bathroom essential organizers for trips to the shower or nightly visits to brush and wash.  I used a little plastic bucket.  They now make a bug mattress protector which should be placed first on the mattress because anything from the previous users stays inside.  Uhhhh, Yuck!

As we were walking through the store and I was throwing things in the cart randomly, Tyler was taking them out.

 “I don’t need that”….

”Why do I want that?”…..

”I don’t need that, Mommmmm”……

It made me wonder if all boys are like this or just mine. When I was texting this to a friend, she made a very valid point, this next chapter in his life is equally as hard for him as it is for me.  That’s exactly it.  Tyler deals by not dealing.  The mere thought of him going shopping for college stuff put him in a bad mood especially since it was a Saturday evening and it meant…gasp!....time away from his friends!

Freshman year is a big step for a lot of youngins; it can be the first step towards independence. Freshman year means moving away from home, living on your own and truly experiencing a world where you are the only one responsible for both your choices and mistakes. It’s a year of laughter, fun, drinks and screw-ups. It’s a year that is impossible to emerge from without learning a thing or two.  And to some, it’s scary. 

Because I've “been there” and “done that”, I decided to make a list of Survival Tips I thought would be helpful for Tyler. 

High School Friends - You know, the ones that you have to see every minute of the day because you are all leaving and will miss each other tremendously….yeah, them.  Come next summer, you will be like, “I’m ready to go back to school because it’s boring around here”…. I hate to sound like Debbie-Downer but just because you have twitter and texting available at your fingertips doesn't mean you are going to maintain all of your high school friendships with ease.  Because staying in touch with friends is hard, you’ll unsurprisingly drop some high school friends who just don’t “make the cut” — it’s hard enough staying in touch with your BEST friends as it is! And guess what? It’s totally FINE. The world isn't going to end. While it IS essential to hold on to your strongest friendships — after all, they’re what make life worth living — shedding some dead weight can be a good thing. 

Try out new friends -  Some will stick, some won’t. You will eat lunch with someone every day the first week of college and then realize that your friend chemistry just isn't there. You will always say hi to each other for the next 4 years and maintain a healthy Twitter friendship. It’s a mutual understanding that when you say “Happy Birthday!” you really mean “Thanks for being my only friend during Welcome Week “.  You CAN and WILL make new friends at college. It’s exciting and also a reminder that life goes on. With college friendships, quality is more important than quantity. You won’t be everyone’s best friend, but those you do have can become your lifelong friends. Put yourself out there. Join a team or a club, meet people and chat in class.

Wear one item of clothing over and over again - This will make your life real easy; when you have so many other decisions to make sometimes you have to give yourself a free pass in other areas of life. If anyone asks, you’re developing a “signature” style.  With that being said, I’m not saying don’t wash it between wearings. 

Continue to let me bring shampoo and toothpaste in bulk when I visit - Sure you have the campus store and your car to get to Walmart but let me feel useful and needed.  All I’m asking for is a hug and a “thank you”.

Call me on the verge of tears because you are so homesick – I won’t judge, I promise! I know that when I say “hello” and you don’t answer, that you are probably ready to break into a hiccupping-heaving-hysterical wreck. “Hello? Tyler?? Tyler?” Eventually I’ll catch on and get used to this and if you have too much pride to admit to being homesick just fib and give the old “Verizon sucks! They always drop my calls!” excuse. *I just gifted you with a valuable life lesson- a fib for all seasons and reasons.

Parents Are The Best - Of course, right when you move away, there is nothing better than being on your own with no rules, no nagging and no curfews. After a while, though, the novelty wears off. Along with your new found independence, you’ll have crappy dorm food, laundry and cleaning. You’ll be wondering just how mom and dad kept it all together without having a mental breakdown.

Freshman 15 Is REAL - Everyone jokes about the freshman 15 but it’s real. It’s easy to vow to hit the gym every day before class and on the weekends, but once you get there, it’s a whole different story. Trips to the gym quickly turn into trips to the Sheetz, and those after-class gym sessions quickly get tossed aside by the better option of hanging with friends. Weekend gym plans are also easily replaced by hung-over weekends in bed, and a healthy diet is squashed by dorm food and drunken, 2 am pizza runs. Don’t worry. It happens to the best of us. Lucky for you, four months of summer is just what you need to get rid of that freshman 15 so it doesn't become the sophomore 30.

Dorms Are The Best/Worst Thing Ever - Oh, the dorm life of your freshman year…

Who wouldn't love to live in a building with 200 other freshman? It’s great having a hallway full of friends and constant options to hangout, meeting new people and not even having to leave the building, having a cafeteria so you don’t have to make food, and blasting music with your friends. You’re living the dream, right? By the end of the year, dorm life is a different story. Hanging out becomes tedious when you need to study and they don’t. A cafeteria full of the same tired food has kind of lost its appeal, and you’re dying to take a hot shower at home in your own bathroom. Trying to get some sleep while the guys down the hall decide to have a movie marathon on full blast? Not fun. Dorms are a necessary piece of freshman year, and they are the greatest place to work on new friendships. However, by the end of the year, you’ll be wondering just how soon you can get the keys to your new house.

Be Yourself - Most importantly, your first year of college teaches you to be yourself.

College is a fresh start, a chance to try new things, meet new people and find out who you are. That being said, this does not mean changing yourself to try and be “cool.”

People can always tell when someone isn't being true, and living a lie for four years of college is too tough to keep up. No one knows you better than yourself, so do what makes you happy, whether it’s reading comic books, joining the drama club or nothing at all.

College is full of people, and no matter what you do, you’ll make friends with similar interests. You want to be able to look in the mirror at the end of the day and smile, content with yourself that you’re happy being you, not trying to keep up the trying task of being someone you’re not.

Must Haves – Extra sheets. You never know when the occasional Toga Party might pop up or use it to hang up on the wall or ceiling to add color to a room that you’re not allowed to paint.  Snacks.  We all have late-night hunger emergencies. You’ll need a stash of food that you don’t need to cook or that will never go bad.  Earplugs. Dorms can be loud. Even if your room is relatively quiet, earplugs can help you keep your concentration while your next door neighbor does jumping jacks. Dry Erase Board. College is hectic. You've got meetings to attend, papers to write, or library books to return. A dry erase board is an easily visible place to keep track of your responsibilities. Also, it’s the perfect place to write your roommate a note—like “I bought some candy; help yourself” or, in a touchier situation, “Would you mind cleaning the bathroom? Thanks!” Odor Spray.  Crucial! You’ll thank yourself when the laundry machine is busted or your roommate reeks like a hippie retreat.

Don’t wait around for someone to give you permission to do things you want to do -  Sadly, I won’t be there along the way to give you all of my wisdom. I’ve been told that I need to cut the cord!  Reality is that no one but you is going to give you approval to take a chance, to mess things up, to thicken your skin, to speak up, to listen closely,  to connect, to learn, to grow, to give in, to take chances, to experience college in a way that will make you miss it so much that four years later when you’re 26, you’ll have a night where you drink too much rum at a party, start longing for the good old days and sob like a lunatic during the cab ride home while calling your college BFF.  Only you can give yourself that gift- so remember this: own your life.

By the way, I had a blast my four years at Slippery Rock University and I still keep in touch with a few of my college friends. 

It's Your Birthday, I Can Cry if I Wanna

Dear Tyler,

First - let me say that I do not mean to embarrass you with this; however, I do believe that it is a mother's prerogative to allow her emotions to overwhelm her at certain points of her life.

The opportunity to begin the next chapter of your life as you enter into adult-hood is one of them.  This means that my chapter as your mother is going to begin changing as well.  So be patient with me, because, of course, I'm crying as I write this.

A mother’s love knows no bounds and neither does her sadness and trepidation as her only child moves onto the next phase of his life without her holding his hand every step of the way.

I’ve been thinking about how we have sort of grown up together. I wasn't a parent before you came along and so I've had to do most of my learning, and failing, with you.  When you were born, I was scared to death.  I was 29 years old and had no clue how to be a parent.  Until that baby is in your arms, you can’t quite fathom the panic that sets in with all the responsibility looming ahead of you, but at the same time, you experience this unimaginable joy and love.  Unconditional love… from the first look into your eyes and the first time your  little fist wrapped around my finger. I was instantly in love with you.  I remember standing for hours by your crib, just looking at you.  I was in awe that such a precious, perfect baby was mine. I had never done something so incredibly right before.   I was so in love that I would just cry sometimes as I held you.  I felt like I was the luckiest mom alive to have you for my son. Eighteen years later, I still feel like the luckiest mom :)

Parenting you has been the ride of a lifetime. I wouldn’t trade it or give up a second I’ve spent with you, worrying about you, loving you, arguing with you. It’s been 18 years of pure emotion: love, joy, worry, anger, frustration, terror. Sometimes the emotion isn’t even mine, but yours. When you’re excited, happy or, worse, heartbroken, I feel those things, too.  Until you are a parent, you won't understand that. Ever since you were born, I worried and wondered about whether or not I was being the best parent I could be. Did I make you feel important? Did we find enough time for the little things that live on in happy memories - like laughter, and hugs, and "just-between-us" moments?  Did I show you enough that you mean the world to me? And, more importantly, did you always know I loved you, even when I was angry at you?  I hope I’ve given you enough and made you feel loved, cherished and important.

Sometimes I just stare at you when you aren’t paying attention. Why? There are lots of reasons.  I'm staring because it amazes me that someone as handsome, funny, loving and smart as you ever came out of me. Me?!? I think, how did I get so lucky?!  I'm staring at you with hope, because I know that you're sensitive and sometimes a clueless, naive kid…and because I know that the world you're moving into can be unpredictable and cruel at times. I just hope that I’ve given you enough ‘tools’ to make it in this world without too much difficulty.  The biggest reason I'm staring is because I know that our time together is short and growing shorter by the day. The day is coming soon when I'll no longer be a part of your everyday life. There will be college and baseball, a certain young lady will become your wife,  and then a career that keeps you busy. So knowing that my opportunities to teach and influence you will soon slow down to only the occasional dinners and holidays, makes me sad.

I find myself frantically wondering if I've covered all the bases, told you all the things I wanted you to know…and wondering, too, if you ever truly listened.  I hope you did.  Ultimately, you are responsible for your own life. It’s a scary concept, isn’t it? Your happiness, your fortune, and your emotional well-being all essentially belong to you to control and steer. At this point I am still holding your hand and I expect to do so to some extent for some time. Don’t worry – you aren’t going to come home to find all your stuff in the garage. That will never happen!

I know you aren't 100% sure what you want to do with your life yet, but I have no doubts that you can do anything you set your mind to. That’s why college will be good for you, it will allow you a little more time to figure it out and decide, while still having the safety of your family. It allows you to put off the responsibilities of being an adult, out on your own, for just awhile longer.  Now is the time for you to figure out who you want to become and where you want to go in life. I am nervous for you, but at the same time glowing with pride about the young man that you have grown to be.  

Follow your dreams, Tyler.  Never give up on something you desperately want. Ever.  Don’t make the same mistakes I’ve made in life.  I want great things for you.   You are love and all things good in my heart. When you hurt, I hurt. When you have joy, I have joy. Of all the things in my life that I might have, could have or should have done differently, there's one thing I'd never change, and that's having you for a son... If I didn't always find a way to say it, I hope I always showed it - I'm proud to be your parent and I love you with my heart and soul.

Happy 18th Birthday My Darling Baby Boy.  I love you…forever.