It's Your Birthday, I Can Cry if I Wanna

Dear Tyler,

First - let me say that I do not mean to embarrass you with this; however, I do believe that it is a mother's prerogative to allow her emotions to overwhelm her at certain points of her life.

The opportunity to begin the next chapter of your life as you enter into adult-hood is one of them.  This means that my chapter as your mother is going to begin changing as well.  So be patient with me, because, of course, I'm crying as I write this.

A mother’s love knows no bounds and neither does her sadness and trepidation as her only child moves onto the next phase of his life without her holding his hand every step of the way.

I’ve been thinking about how we have sort of grown up together. I wasn't a parent before you came along and so I've had to do most of my learning, and failing, with you.  When you were born, I was scared to death.  I was 29 years old and had no clue how to be a parent.  Until that baby is in your arms, you can’t quite fathom the panic that sets in with all the responsibility looming ahead of you, but at the same time, you experience this unimaginable joy and love.  Unconditional love… from the first look into your eyes and the first time your  little fist wrapped around my finger. I was instantly in love with you.  I remember standing for hours by your crib, just looking at you.  I was in awe that such a precious, perfect baby was mine. I had never done something so incredibly right before.   I was so in love that I would just cry sometimes as I held you.  I felt like I was the luckiest mom alive to have you for my son. Eighteen years later, I still feel like the luckiest mom :)

Parenting you has been the ride of a lifetime. I wouldn’t trade it or give up a second I’ve spent with you, worrying about you, loving you, arguing with you. It’s been 18 years of pure emotion: love, joy, worry, anger, frustration, terror. Sometimes the emotion isn’t even mine, but yours. When you’re excited, happy or, worse, heartbroken, I feel those things, too.  Until you are a parent, you won't understand that. Ever since you were born, I worried and wondered about whether or not I was being the best parent I could be. Did I make you feel important? Did we find enough time for the little things that live on in happy memories - like laughter, and hugs, and "just-between-us" moments?  Did I show you enough that you mean the world to me? And, more importantly, did you always know I loved you, even when I was angry at you?  I hope I’ve given you enough and made you feel loved, cherished and important.

Sometimes I just stare at you when you aren’t paying attention. Why? There are lots of reasons.  I'm staring because it amazes me that someone as handsome, funny, loving and smart as you ever came out of me. Me?!? I think, how did I get so lucky?!  I'm staring at you with hope, because I know that you're sensitive and sometimes a clueless, naive kid…and because I know that the world you're moving into can be unpredictable and cruel at times. I just hope that I’ve given you enough ‘tools’ to make it in this world without too much difficulty.  The biggest reason I'm staring is because I know that our time together is short and growing shorter by the day. The day is coming soon when I'll no longer be a part of your everyday life. There will be college and baseball, a certain young lady will become your wife,  and then a career that keeps you busy. So knowing that my opportunities to teach and influence you will soon slow down to only the occasional dinners and holidays, makes me sad.

I find myself frantically wondering if I've covered all the bases, told you all the things I wanted you to know…and wondering, too, if you ever truly listened.  I hope you did.  Ultimately, you are responsible for your own life. It’s a scary concept, isn’t it? Your happiness, your fortune, and your emotional well-being all essentially belong to you to control and steer. At this point I am still holding your hand and I expect to do so to some extent for some time. Don’t worry – you aren’t going to come home to find all your stuff in the garage. That will never happen!

I know you aren't 100% sure what you want to do with your life yet, but I have no doubts that you can do anything you set your mind to. That’s why college will be good for you, it will allow you a little more time to figure it out and decide, while still having the safety of your family. It allows you to put off the responsibilities of being an adult, out on your own, for just awhile longer.  Now is the time for you to figure out who you want to become and where you want to go in life. I am nervous for you, but at the same time glowing with pride about the young man that you have grown to be.  

Follow your dreams, Tyler.  Never give up on something you desperately want. Ever.  Don’t make the same mistakes I’ve made in life.  I want great things for you.   You are love and all things good in my heart. When you hurt, I hurt. When you have joy, I have joy. Of all the things in my life that I might have, could have or should have done differently, there's one thing I'd never change, and that's having you for a son... If I didn't always find a way to say it, I hope I always showed it - I'm proud to be your parent and I love you with my heart and soul.

Happy 18th Birthday My Darling Baby Boy.  I love you…forever.