I'm Growing Up.......

I’m Growing Up.....

I have shared more about my feelings regarding Tyler leaving for college on this blog than anywhere else in my life, mostly because I use this space almost like an online diary.

I think I’m going through a form of separation anxiety with my 18-year-old son.   It’s hard for both of us.  He’s not having any trouble becoming an adult and being on his own… what’s hard for him is dealing with me.

Of course, I don’t remember the first time I had separation anxiety as a baby.  I’m sure I experienced it, since most babies do.  I do remember Tyler crying when I left him at the babysitter when I went to work but I remember my sitter, who is also a great friend, saying, “Go.  Just kiss him good bye, tell him you will be back and leave without looking back. He will be fine.” I remember looking at her thinking, 'Lady, are you crazy?!? This is my baby'!  His little heart was breaking as I walked away.  Truthfully, mine was too.  In his mind, I wasn't coming back.  Finally, he learned to trust that I would return. And I learned to trust he would be okay. 

Oh, how the situation has changed. 

My son is becoming an adult.  He wants to make his own decisions.  He doesn't want me to ask him if he’s done his homework, or if he’s getting enough sleep, or say things like, “Maybe you should shave” or “Please make sure you are eating enough.” 

He’s in college now.  Basically on his own.  He’s attending all his classes, doing his work, playing baseball, making new friends, finding time to see Briana and having a great time.   He’s respectful and kind.  But he wants to grow up.  And this momma’s heart is breaking. 

I know all the right things to think and say.  Really, I do.  I know this is healthy.  My heart is so full of pride for him that it honestly feels like it will burst!   

I’m just being real here.  It hurts that he doesn't need me in the same way he used to.  I actually get giddy when he brings his laundry home! Or when he asks me to look over his research paper.  Or when he texts to tell me he is out of mini muffins.

So I’m going through my own form of separation anxiety but I'm learning to deal with it. I’m learning to withhold advice on the little things, and save it for what really matters.  I’m learning to accept his choices, without following it up with advice on how to do it better.  I’m learning to set aside my desire to pout when he would rather hang out with his friends instead of talking to me on the phone.  I’m learning to not try to make him feel guilty for wanting to be independent.  I’m learning to be fully present when I do have a moment with him and not spoil it by overreacting based on emotion. 


In other words, I’m growing up.  

When Tyler and I talk now it is like two adults talking.  It isn't a son who is hesitant to tell me things because I'm his mother.  He TALKS TO me now.  I cannot tell you how good that feels.  

I had the time of my life in Pittsburgh at the Wild Card game with Tyler and his buddies. For the first time in a long time, he included me and made me feel like he wanted me there.  When he mentioned that they were going to meet up with their buddy before the game, I told him that I would sit in the car and meet up with them when they were ready. He looked at me oddly and said, "I thought you'd come along with us and hang out." 

Whoa! Wait! What?!?  He wanted ME....ME, his mother, the one who had to sit on a bench by myself when I drove him to the Lawrence County Fair to hang out with all his friends?  Me, who is not permitted to follow any of his friends on any form of social media? He wanted me to hang out with his baseball friends?  

We had a blast!  

Maybe we both have grown up?  Or maybe a little separation has done us both good?  

Either way, I'll take it!