One down....Three to Go......

It’s that time…already…..finals week at La Roche College is over!  That means Tyler is nearly done with his freshman year of college.  I am truly in awe of how quickly the year has gone and how much I have learned over this past year.  If you ask Tyler how his year went, he will reply, “Fine.”  If you ask me how it went, I’ll tell you, “Horrible!” Somewhere in between”Fine” and “Horrible” lies the truth!

 

Freshman year is a big step for a lot of young people; it can be the first step towards independence. Freshman year means moving away from home, living on your own and truly experiencing a world where you are the only one responsible for both your choices and mistakes.

It’s a year of laughter, fun, drinks and screw-ups. It’s a year that is impossible to emerge from without learning a thing or two.  It’s a life transition that pushed my son to adjust, change and grow. 

As most of you know, saying goodbye to my son was extremely difficult and I felt that I had lost a part of myself when he left.  It didn't matter that he was only 50 minutes away, he wasn't with me.  But thankfully, over time, I have adjusted to my new normal and have realized that his departure served as a bit of a wake-up call for me.

To sum up my mothering of Tyler, I would say that I had an extreme case of the “only-child syndrome.” I wanted to do everything right and to be an all-star, all-knowing mother.  I never wanted to see him fail, which meant I did everything for him

 Everything else paled in comparison to the joy I felt in being his mother. Almost 19 years later, I realize that some of my initial new mommy thoughts were on par, but I have also discovered throughout my motherhood journey that I need to let Tyler discover who he is, to fight his own battles, to learn to accept responsibility for his actions, and to find his “voice”.  During this past year, I have had several “hit me over the head” moments (which usually came in the form of mini-breakdowns) that served as reminders that I need to stop trying to control my child and let him make decisions.

Here are just a few of the things I learned over the course of Tyler’s freshman year….

It is okay to have guideline for staying in touch. All too often this year, my texts and phone calls went unanswered.  This drove me nuts!  In some instances I only needed a one word text or something to let me know he was still alive!  He felt I was annoying and a bit neurotic!  He didn't want to be bothered when he was with his friends.  But staying in touch is not by definition neurotic, right? It didn't mean that I could not let go.  It was my way of letting him know that I was standing by to provide support and balance (at least that is how I justified it). And, as one colleague put it, "by listening to his voice on a daily basis, you can tell how he’s doing - just as you could tell when you looked at his eyes when he was younger."

I love to give advice.  Unfortunately, my son feels that I’m telling him what to do.  So I had to learn to give advice sparingly. I tried to ask Tyler what he thought (difficult for me!) rather than simply telling him what to do.   I tried to make him understand my advice for what it was—my idea or my experience or my thoughts about what I might have done in his place.  Who am I kidding, this was extremely difficult and as hard as I tried not to, I probably told him what to do more than I should have!  I’ll work on that for next year J

First the first time ever, I let Tyler handle concerns dealing with his academic life.  He handled situations with professors, registrar, and/or resident life.  I offered guidance on how to handle specific situations and even helped compose emails for him, but at the end of the day, it was Tyler who handled the situations.  I felt this was a big part of Tyler’s growth.  I am also proud of him for stepping up and handling difficult situations.  And an even bigger victory was that I kept my big mouth shut when he didn't handle it like I would have! 

I found one of the most important things I tried to do was to keep in the loop with Tyler’s everyday life.  I continually asked about classes, baseball, the coach, friends, professors, and activities. I asked what he had for breakfast, lunch and dinner and who he ate with.  I asked about study times and bed times.  I wasn't asking to be nosy (okay, maybe a little!) but I was looking for any type of sign that things weren't right.  

The biggest thing that I learned was to be brutally honest with myself. Simply put, I was lonely and I wanted my kiddo home with me.  I needed to let go and needed to stop trying to control him. With that being said, I found it emotionally healthy, for both of us, to find ways to stay connected.  Baseball was our connection....as it always has been.  I learned all the players names and numbers quickly as well as their positions and for most, where they were from.  I attended as many games as I could and took 1000s of pictures he could share with the "boys".  

Because of La Roche’s extended baseball season, I am not sure which day this week Tyler will move home officially.  As I anticipate his homecoming, I am well aware that our “new” relationship will be tested as he is expected to live under my house rules again. This experience may add an entirely new twist to our “independence-and-growth-for-both-of-us” relationship….More on that to come…Wish me luck…

Baseball Will Break Your Heart....

Dear Tyler,

I came across a quote today that I felt was appropriate to share with you….

“It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone. You count on it, you rely on it to buffer the passage of time, to keep the memory of sunshine and high skies alive, and then, just when the days are all twilight, when you need it most, it stops.” -A. Bartlett Giamatti

Bart Giamatti was accurate. Baseball will break your heart. But the Commissioner was only talking about the heartbreak a fan feels upon the finish of a single season. For you, a ballplayer, heartbreak is inevitable, and the more you love the game, the worse the pain will be.

I remember when you felt baseball was the most important thing in life. Not one of the most important things, the most important thing. At twelve years old, you fancied yourself as a pretty good ballplayer. You were the star pitcher for your team, and you weren’t too bad at the plate.   Your fastball was decent and you were known for “threading a needle” with your location even at a young age.  Your hitting was consistent, with enough power to (on rare occasions) get the ball over the fence. I remember you wanting to go to practice an hour early because there was nothing else you’d rather be doing. Playing ball was so important to you that we scheduled family vacations around your baseball schedule…..and that was okay!

I remember you being anxious about how high school ball tryouts.  After all, you hadn’t played with your Shenango classmates since you were nine years old.  You worried about if you would get the chance to pitch or if you’d be on the bench most of the season.  You knew that at this level, the game was faster and the competition more intense.  As it turns out, you held your own during your high school years and became a top-notch pitcher in the county. 

You did well on your summer ball teams too.  It was sad when you decided to stop traveling with the Cleveland team, but it all worked out.  You made new friends in Youngstown and you rose to the level of play that was expected in that league. Baseball life was good!

Now you are faced with a new level of play.  Collegiate baseball is far different than you, than we, expected.  You are dealing with a tough- in-your-face style of coaching that you aren’t used to.  You are learning how it feels to be a “little fish in a big pond”.  You are trying to adapt to being a freshman reliever who will see limited innings as opposed to being on the field every inning of every game.  You have, unfortunately, already witnessed heartbreak with players who quit or were cut. 

Baseball will break your heart…..

 

I hear it in your voice sometimes when you call.  That sound of defeat.  That sound of feeling as though you are getting passed over by the game you love so dearly.  I can’t imagine how hard it is for you.  All I know is that I want to fix it, to make it better.  To help bring back that love of the game you once had.  I know it’s still there.  More importantly, I don’t want baseball to break your heart. 

But unless something changes, that's not going to happen. I keep telling you to have a good attitude, to just go out and enjoy playing ball and to make the best of the chances you get. But deep down, I know how hard it is for you. 

I know that the game will tell you when your fastball isn't fast enough; you aren’t hitting your corners well enough; your fielding not good enough. Unfortunately, even a very good ballplayer spend most of his last season on the bench. If he doesn't, he quit playing too soon. I know that sooner or later, your season on the bench will come, and the game will ask you to leave.  Your heart will be broken, as will mine. 

Keep in mind though, Tyler, that even the greatest players are not immune. I think of Tony Gwynn, one of the greatest hitters of all time. I think of him at age 40, with a place in the Hall of Fame locked in, squeezing out one last season on bad knees; still able to hit, but no longer able to run well enough to play regularly. Spending one last season on the bench, watching his younger teammates play a young man's game.

Baseball will break your heart….

Remember, for all the joy there is in playing baseball as a twelve-year-old, for any kid who really loves the game, there is heartbreak ahead. That's how it goes when you love the game as much as you do.  You can hang on for as long as you want, and I hope it’s at least for a few more years, but baseball will eventually break your heart.

Why?  Because God created the sport with twelve-year-old boys in mind.  And the older you get, the less the game really wants you. Sooner or later, the bat is no longer quick enough, the fastball is no longer overpowering enough, the legs no longer fast enough and the hole in the needle you thread your pitches through gets smaller. 

I love watching you play. You play the game with passion and intensity. I’ve seen you stomp your foot in frustration when you or a teammate make an error, and I’ve seen you celebrate wildly when a run is scored for your team.  But as much as I enjoy watching you play and as much as I’m anticipating the start of this season, I can’t help but to feel a sense of sadness.  Sadness because I know you love the game and you love to pitch and that means that someday your heart will be broken. 

But it's worth it, Tyler. The joy of the crack of the bat, the excitement of striking out the opponent’s big hitter, the pleasure of hitting the corner with a good fastball, the satisfying teamwork of a well-executed double play, the fun of being part of a team, all make the unavoidable heartbreak worthwhile.

One of the best things to keep in mind, Tyler, is that the game will let you come back. Come back to a pickup game on a summer afternoon. Come back to sitting around the television with your kids late at night (when you know they should already be in bed), watching a team claw back from a three-run deficit in the ninth, and feeling that, for just that moment, whether that team succeeds or not is the most important thing in your world. Come back to the joy of teaching a child how to swing a bat or how to make the throw to first. Come back, most of all, to the memories of when you were a ballplayer, with an impossible dream that you didn't want to let die.

For now, though, enjoy the game, Tyler.  Love it like you did when you were that twelve-year-old boy standing tall and proud on the mound.  Being the “little fish” isn’t easy, but you will grow to be the “big fish” again.  I know you will. 

Have Fun…..do your best…and enjoy your freshman season! Go Redhawks!

Love,

Mom

Always Put Your Best (Digital) Footprint Foward.......

Social media is changing the way we communicate and the way we are perceived, both positively and negatively. Every time you post a photo, or update your status, you are contributing to your own digital footprint and personal brand.~~~Amy Jo Martin

In light of recent events in my life, it made me ponder about my son and the digital age.  I have spent countless hours preaching to him about his “digital footprint”.  Telling him teachers, coaches, and future bosses all creep social media sites to see what they can find out.  Moms aren't they only creepers out there.  I've told him numerous times, “Be sure your brain is awake and ready before your mouth or fingers move”. 

Your digital footprint paints a picture of who you are.

So now I wonder if he and other young adults understand what a permanent digital footprint is. Do they get that once they post something on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, SnapChat, Instagram etc., it lives in cyberspace forever. This includes text messages on their phones and other types of communication.

Every day, whether we want to or not, most of us add to a growing portrayal of who we are online; a visual rendering that is probably more public than we believe. This portrait helps companies target content at specific markets and consumers, helps employers look into your background, and helps advertisers track your movements across multiple websites. Whatever you do online, you might be leaving digital footprints behind.

I honestly don’t think people realize the level that this can hurt them if they abuse it.  Whether you're a pop icon, a college freshman, or a middle age adult, no one's immune from public scrutiny. A status update or 140 characters Tweet can be enough to seriously offend others, and ruin your reputation.

With presumably every teenager active these days on social media, it is important that they understand what is appropriate and inappropriate for them to be posting on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.  They all need to follow the philosophy of "Pause Before You Post".  For high school athletes that want to play at the next level, they should never let a 140 character tweet cost them a chance to play or a scholarship.

It’s not only teenagers wanting to play college sports that need to think about their digital footprint.  Adults do as well.  It’s easy to be hurtful from behind a computer screen.  It’s easy to post insensitive comments anonymously. 

But are the comments really anonymous when posted online? Can the posts be traced by using an IP address or anything like that to find out who made the posts? The answer is yes.  Teenagers, as well as adults, need to keep in mind that there is hardly any anonymity online. It is safe to say that a person should not write online what they will regret later.

Bottom line is that many of us are sharing and publishing online.  We need to remember that with each post, status and photo we are contributing to our personal brand.  Wouldn't it makes sense to always put our best foot(print) forward?

Who is Ready For Some Baseball?

In case you people thought I've given up on writing about being a baseball mom, THINK AGAIN. 

 I came across this tweet when I was creeping Tyler last night…..

Did I read that tweet right?  A month away?  Baseball in 30 days?

One month……Repeat after me….ONE MONTH! Live baseball in February!  

La Roche College opens up its season on February 28 with a double header against Waynesburg.  The first week in March, during spring break, they will play in Ft. Pierce, Florida.  Sun and baseball in just a little over a month?  Suuuwwweeeet!

Oh. 

Wait.

There’s that thing called “work”….

I have to work the first week in March.  That means I’ll be sending my kid to Florida with a college baseball team for a week---ALONE.   I’ve seen YouTube videos of teens in Florida on spring break.  This can’t be good, right?

Being a college baseball mom is tough!  It is way different compared to high school baseball.  I feel so out of the loop with what is going on.  I know when his workouts are but that’s about it.  I have not seen Tyler pitch since his last summer game. I know the coach changed his delivery, which added velocity, but I have no idea how fast he is throwing.   I know the names of his teammates, but have not met all of them.  I don’t even know Tyler’s number yet……

It will be different, that’s for sure.  No longer will Tyler play in every game.  He’s only a pitcher, middle reliever (for now).  No doubt he will spend more time in the bullpen than on the mound this season.  And when he does get the opportunity to get into the game, it won’t be to pitch for 7 innings like I’m used to seeing.  I will never see him bat again, see his soft, smooth hands at third or watch him stretch for a poorly thrown ball at first base.  I won’t see every game that La Roche plays and I may not even see every (gulp!) pitch Tyler throws.  Okay, I've decided it kinda sucks being a college baseball mom. 

But even though it kinda sucks, I’m overly excited about the start of this baseball season.  I flipping can’t wait to find “my spot” at the La Roche baseball field.  I can’t wait to hear the ball hit the catcher’s mitt and hear the banter of the players on the field.  I can’t wait to watch the new La Roche baseball scoreboard light up from all the runs they score. 

I have my La Roche baseball gear and a new baseball mom bag purchased.  I have the schedule printed and hanging at home and at work.  I have all the games entered into the calendar App on my phone and I’ve been strategically trying to plan out my personal days so I can get to his games. 

It is different, but it is still my escape from reality.  It is still baseball.  It is still Tyler playing the game he loves.  It is still me watching my heart and soul play the game he loves......

....and I couldn't be more ready than I am right now!  

Empty Nest Plus One

We're coming up on one of the milestone moments of Tyler’s freshman year.

 It’s the first long holiday break.

When Tyler was home for Thanksgiving, I enjoyed every minute.  It was nice to have adult conversations and learn about his team mates and new interests.  It was great to see his high school friends again when they stopped over.  It was wonderful to hear him laugh.  It was even nice to pick up empty water bottles lying around and put toilet paper on the roll when it was emptied by him. 

Would this wonderfulness be even more special during the month long winter break?

For him the thought of this may be worse than the realization that the "freshman 15" is not a myth and more cringe-inducing than seeing his roommate in his undergutchies.   I’m sure he will arrive home a wiped-out, post-finals mess.  He will be sleep-deprived, weighted down with dirty laundry and with four to six weeks of no structure, he will likely drive everyone, himself included, berserk.

Although I’m lucky enough to see Tyler at least one day a week, he is still basically living on his own.  In the four months that we have lived apart, we have both been adjusting to new routines.

For Tyler, these four months have been somewhat tumultuous. He’s never been away this long. Although he likes his roommate, there was an adjustment period. He’s had tough professors and the challenges of self-management with baseball, cafeteria times, sleeping and friends.  He’s used to being independent (so he thinks), making his own decisions and coming and going as he wants. 

For me, these four months have been a huge adjustment.  My world revolved around Tyler.  My house is quiet.  My grocery bill is half.  The ketchup lasts for months.  I can eat cereal for dinner if I choose.  Cali gets all my attention and if she wants to cuddle all evening, we cuddle.  And I never have to worry if there is TP when I need it. 

Starting tomorrow we will be back together under the same roof, trying to figure out whose new rules apply.

How should the temporarily reassembled household run? Should I expect Tyler to comply with his old high school rules? Is he a guest? If so, I don’t think he can be the kind of guest I’d want to invite back. I’m sure there will be hot-button issues such as curfew, chores, and drinking.  Plus, there will be holiday gatherings that I’ll want him to attend but he’ll want to hang out with his friends instead. 

I guess winter break will be the time to determine what to retain, what to reframe.  We will have to find a balance……a month long, temporary normal.  The “new normal” will kinda be a pop-up version of home life that we will return to each break.  I just hope it doesn’t include me cooking dinner every night!